I hate that I'm writing another one of these posts. I hate it. I'm so angry. Angry at my body. Angry at God. Angry with everyone. Angry that I will never get to hold another one of my babies.
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Right before Christmas, I started feeling some familiar symptoms. Little twinges here and there. I knew I was pregnant. Last Thursday, those two glorious pink lines confirmed my suspicions. Pregnant. Due on Morgan's birthday no less! Overwhelming happiness.
The happiness quickly turned into shear panic and anxiety. "Don't get attached, don't get attached" screamed through my head. The lines were so faint. It was so early. I no longer had my pregnancy innocence. That light-hearted joy that I had when I found out I was pregnant with Henry. I now know first hand that not every baby comes home.
The next day I took another test. I'm kind of a psycho and just had to see the lines again. Well, unlike both my other pregnancies, this time the lines didn't get darker. The test was still positive, just faint. I fell into crippling, overwhelming anxiety mode. By this time I was also spotting, something that has happened with each of my pregnancies. I just didn't know which way this pregnancy was going to go.
Today, the pregnancy officially ended. Bam. Gone. I think its considered a chemical pregnancy, or super early miscarriage. Whatever its called, it hurts. It does feel different than last time. This baby and I had mere days together, instead of weeks. It's so unfair. So incredibly unfair. Physically, this loss has been easier. Emotionally, it's just has hard. I can't stop thinking of all the firsts, this baby will never have, about how much time is passing between Henry and his siblings, how much this sucks.
I literally don't know how to move on right now. I know I have to. But, with every breath, I am holding back a lot of anger, sadness, frustration. This sense of loss that I have never had to deal with. I'm slightly comforted by the thought that Elsie is no longer alone, she has a sibling to be with her until we come.
Well, that's it. I needed to get this out. Blogging has been an incredibly healing process for me, which is why I wanted to get these feelings out. But, I hope you forgive me for extending my holiday blogging break a little longer. I need to some time to get myself together.
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