Today officially marks the end of the worst year of my life. It's hard for me to write that because I have so much to be thankful for in my life -- a wonderful new house, a loving husband, a healthy child. And believe, me I feel plenty guilty that I feel this way, but, on August 22, 2012 my life took a turn that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And, its been a kick to the teeth nearly everyday since then. Not one day goes by that I don't think of the four angels I have waiting for me.
One year ago today, my pregnancy with Elsie officially ended. And my journey with recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility began. I didn't know at the time, but I would have to go through the hope, the excitement, the worry, the pain, the anguish, and the depression four times over the year. While I'm still breathing and living, I am in no way the person I was on August 21. I'm a broken person, scarred, never to be put back together the same way again.
The worst year of my life.
I want to hope that this next year will be better. I really really do. But, I'm not in a hopeful place right now. I'm in a dark place. I'm in a trying to cope place -- living everyday like I'm not constantly thinking about my four losses. Everyday, I'm trying to pretend that I'm not mourning the life that I had planned for myself, trying to pretend like I'm not constantly thinking about getting pregnant/being pregnant/miscarrying.
The reality is that not a day goes by that I don't constantly think about where my life would be had August 22, 2012 {and the days leading up to the d&c} never happened. Not a single day goes by where I don't think about what it would be like to be pregnant again, or what it would be like to not carry this pain around, or how it would feel to know why all of this has happened.
I have no idea how to move forward from today. How to get over what we've lost and enjoy what I have. Or, how to stop feeling so completely alone.
The worst year of my life.
I hate that I mean that. But I really really do.
