According to the March of Dimes, at least one in four women will suffer a miscarriage during their childbearing years. That's 25 percent. And yet, in society, it's very rarely discussed. It's something that women are just expected to deal with on their own in private. That's a lot of women grieving alone.
Well, I hate that. And, I've obviously decided to be much more open then most about my journey with pregnancy loss. But, by doing that, I've become acutely aware that a lot of people just have no idea how to respond to miscarriage and pregnancy loss. I think this is part of the reason people choose to suffer alone following a miscarriage instead of relying on the support of their family and friends.
And, I'm not blaming anyone here. It's an uncomfortable and raw topic. It's hard, even for me to respond when I've learned someone has had a miscarriage, because I know nothing is going to help that person. But, I think there are better responses than others. These are just my opinions, but here are some good responses to miscarriages...
Good Responses
"Is there anything I can do for you right now?"
"If you need someone to talk to, I'm here."
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"You're not alone, I share your pain." {If you've also suffered a miscarriage}
Just offering hugs and physical presence.
I think its just important to honor the pain the person is going through and offer as much support as you can. Miscarriage can be extremely isolating, and its good to know that you're not completely alone.
And you know what will make a woman feel even more alone, saying any of the following. And, yes, I've been told almost all of these.
Just Keep Your Mouth Shut
"It's just natures/God's plan/way." Or really any variation of this.
"These things just happen."
"At least it was early."
"It's better this way, instead of having a child with severe disabilities."
"You'll get pregnant again in no time."
These responses, while often well meaning, are just hurtful -- hands down not helpful, not supportive.
I hope this post serves to help people respond to miscarriage in a more supportive way, so more women don't feel like they need to hide what has happened to them. Anyone else have a positive response suggestion? Or one that people should avoid? Am I way off here?
