Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day 2015

Today, I am the face of sorrow. The face of uncertainty. The face of pain. I am the face of pregnancy loss -- unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss, to be exact. For those of you that don't know my story, after Henry but before Nora was born, I suffered four back-to-back miscarriages. 

There is nothing I can write that can properly describe the pain and anguish that pregnancy loss creates. It makes you doubt yourself at every level. "Did I do something to cause this?" "If I had done XYZ could this been prevented?" The answer is, of course, a resounding NO. 

After the doubt comes the isolation. The feeling that you are totally and utterly alone. That no one truly gets your experience. This of course is not true either. An estimated 1 in 4 pregnancy ends in a loss. But the silence is deafening. 

If you have suffered a pregnancy loss, you are not alone. And I sincerely hope you get your beautiful rainbow baby. 

Today, is also a day where I think of the past -- think of what could have been. It's still hard for me to think about the four little lives we created that will never experience the joys the world has to offer. It's hard for me to never get to see them. To hold them. To know them. It's hard to explain how you can love someone so much and have only known them for such a tiny amount of time. 

Today, I think of the present. I think of sweet Nora. My miracle, my rainbow. I hope everyone gets the chance to experience the joy of a rainbow baby. Its bittersweet, for sure. But, I cannot imagine life without her. 

And, finally, I think of the future. I so wish I could say with confidence that we would have more children. I long for that. But, the reality is very different. Not only can I not imagine going back to fertility treatments and tests, I cannot imagine the unbelievable pain of a fifth loss. All the same fertility challenges I had before Nora are present again. So, its likely we could face the same challenges. But, its also possible that we will get lucky again. I'm not sure how to face this uncertainty and still have hope. 

I'll never be the person I was before we lost Elsie. I will carry these scars forever. But, I know I'm not alone. And, today we stand together and we remember.

To read more about my experience with pregnancy loss -- click here.