September 17, 2020
Types of Consequences - Options for Montessori Parents
Tagged in:
Montessori Parenting,
Toddlers and preschoolers are often know for their strong desire for independence and their sometimes spicy way to approach getting what they want. As adults we often see this desire as behavior that needs to be handled in one way or another. And, sometimes that's true. Montessori parenting does not mean that we are permissive parents, but instead proactive ones. Parenting toddlers with Montessori means we are taking time to teach skills and the use of consequences sometimes aids in that work.
Types of Consequences: Exploring Effective Options for Montessori Parents
The other day I was talking about a hard moment that happened between me and Gus with my mom. Gus had done something out of anger and I mentioned it to her. She replied, "We'll what was his consequence?" This sparked a conversation with her about Montessori, consequences, and our approach to those hard moments. What was his consequence? The answer, a natural one.
This conversation got me thinking about the types of consequences that parents can impose and where they fit in a Montessori home. Here are some choices, and some thoughts:
Montessori Parenting Tip: Use Natural Consequences
Natural consequences are consequences that come naturally from a situation. These are not adult imposed but just simply happen as a result of a person's behavior. For example, imagine that you have asked your child not to run down a particular sidewalk but your child does anyway and you don't intervene. Then your child trips, falls, and scrapes their knee. Here the natural consequence for not listening was the knee scrape.
- Try to rely on natural consequences where you can
- Natural consequences have been the best and most effective teacher of limits for my children
- These are trickier to impose when it involves hurting other people, especially other children. The natural consequence might be that the friend no longer wants to play, or that the friend also lashes out (physically or verbally) which doesn't solve much among children.
- Easier to rely on if you are in a prepared environment which naturally has built in limits (like a limited number of something available, or materials that they aren't ready for out of reach
- Sometimes the natural consequence is too severe to allow it to happen. For example, running in the road, the natural consequence might be getting hit by a car. We can't as parents sit by and let that consequence occur
Logical Consequences and Montessori Parents
Logical consequences are adult imposed consequences that arise from the situation that has occurred. They are directly related to the behavior in some way. Thinking of the running on the sidewalk example again, a logical consequence for not listening might be that your child needs to hold your hand as you walk instead of being left to walk alone.
- Logical consequences can be used in a Montessori environment, but not always (try to think of how to change your environment to allow for natural consequences)
- Often used in matters of safety or in situations where natural consequences may not be apparent for the child (or happen to slowly to be effective)
- Logical consequences are also something that work well for older children
- Need to be directly related to the behavior and need to happen in the moment
- Adult needs to stay neutral, calm, and respectful - these do not rely on shaming a child
Avoiding Imposed Consequences as Montessori Parents
Imposed consequences are those traditionally used and could be called punishments. These are things that are adult imposed but are not related to the behavior. If we go back to the running example, an imposed punishment would include making your child sit in a time out for not listening to you when you asked them to walk.
- Imposed consequences include time-out, shaming your child, physical punishments, extra chores or other unrelated adult created work
- These have no place in a Montessori environment - home or school. Dr. Montessori was very clear that these were not effective in helping a child, not respectful toward a child, and that they should be avoided
These consequences are not the only way that Montessori parents can place limits on our children. Montessori parents can also rely on limits through the environment, for example. But that's a whole other conversation! Montessori parenting isn't always easy, and it can be tough to change old habits when it comes to consequences, but relying on the Montessori method can be a much more child-led, respectful and effective approach for young children.
Have you seen the power of using natural consequences?
